Two and a Half Men
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| Date (↑) | Episode # | Title | Network | Rating | Share | Viewers | Watch/Purchase DVD/Download |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 09/22/2003 | 01-001 | Pilot | CBS | 12.1 | 18 | 18.4 | 
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| 09/29/2003 | 01-002 | Big Flappy Bastards | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 10/06/2003 | 01-003 | Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.8 |
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| 10/13/2003 | 01-004 | If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.7 |
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| 10/20/2003 | 01-005 | The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 10/27/2003 | 01-006 | Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? | CBS | 10.5 | 16 | 15.8 |
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| 11/03/2003 | 01-007 | If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake | CBS | 10.7 | 16 | 16 |
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| 11/10/2003 | 01-008 | Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.8 |
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| 11/17/2003 | 01-009 | Phase One, Complete | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 16 |
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| 11/24/2003 | 01-010 | Merry Thanksgiving | CBS | 11 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 12/15/2003 | 01-011 | Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 14.8 |
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| 01/05/2004 | 01-012 | Camel Filters and Pheremones | CBS | 10.6 | 16 | 16.8 |
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| 01/12/2004 | 01-013 | Sarah Like Puny Alan | CBS | 11.4 | 17 | 17.9 |
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| 02/02/2004 | 01-014 | I Can't Afford Hyenas | CBS | 10.7 | 16 | 16.5 |
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| 02/09/2004 | 01-015 | Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (Part 1 of 2) | CBS | 11.1 | 16 | 17 |
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| 02/16/2004 | 01-016 | That Was Saliva, Alan (Part 2 of 2) | CBS | 11 | 16 | 17.4 |
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| 02/23/2004 | 01-017 | Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats | CBS | 10.7 | 15 |
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| 03/01/2004 | 01-018 | An Old Flame with a New Wick | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 03/22/2004 | 01-019 | I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You | CBS | 10.9 | 17 | 16.4 |
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| 04/19/2004 | 01-020 | Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.6 |
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| 05/03/2004 | 01-021 | No Sniffing, No Wowing | CBS | 10.5 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 05/10/2004 | 01-022 | My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet | CBS | 10.4 | 16 | 16 |
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| 05/17/2004 | 01-023 | Just Like Buffalo | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 05/24/2004 | 01-024 | Can You Feel My Finger? | CBS | 11.7 | 18 | 18.2 |
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| 09/20/2004 | 02-001 | Back Off Mary Poppins | CBS | 11.1 | 16 | 16.4 |
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| 09/27/2004 | 02-002 | Enjoy Those Garlic Balls | CBS | 10.9 | 16 | 16.6 |
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| 10/04/2004 | 02-003 | A Bag Full of Jawea | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 16.4 |
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| 10/11/2004 | 02-004 | Go Get Mommy's Bra | CBS | 11.1 | 16 | 17.2 |
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| 10/18/2004 | 02-005 | Bad News from the Clinic | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.3 |
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| 10/25/2004 | 02-006 | The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance | CBS | 11.2 | 16 | 17.2 |
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| 11/08/2004 | 02-007 | A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana | CBS | 10.7 | 16 |
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| 11/15/2004 | 02-008 | Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers | CBS | 11.5 | 17 |
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| 11/22/2004 | 02-009 | Yes, Monsignor | CBS | 12.3 | 18 | 18.9 |
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| 11/29/2004 | 02-010 | The Salmon Under My Sweater | CBS | 11.6 | 17 | 17.9 |
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| 12/13/2004 | 02-011 | Last Chance to See Those Tattoos | CBS | 16.2 |
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| 01/03/2005 | 02-012 | A Lungful of Alan | CBS | 11.4 | 17 | 18 |
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| 01/17/2005 | 02-013 | Zejdz z Moich Wlosow (a.k.a. Get Off My Hair) | CBS | 11.3 | 15 | 18.1 |
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| 01/31/2005 | 02-014 | Those Big Pink Things with Coconuts | CBS | 11.2 | 16 | 17 |
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| 02/07/2005 | 02-015 | Smell the Umbrella Stand | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 16.7 |
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| 02/14/2005 | 02-016 | Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? | CBS | 10.5 | 16 |
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| 02/21/2005 | 02-017 | Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! | CBS | 10.9 | 16 | 17.5 |
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| 03/07/2005 | 02-018 | It Was Mame, Mom | CBS | 11.4 | 17 | 17.4 |
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| 03/21/2005 | 02-019 | A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise | CBS | 10.4 | 16 | 15.9 |
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| 04/18/2005 | 02-020 | I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 05/02/2005 | 02-021 | A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On | CBS | 11.5 | 17 | 17.9 |
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| 05/09/2005 | 02-022 | That Old House Bag Is My Mother | CBS | 11.5 | 17 | 18 |
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| 05/16/2005 | 02-023 | Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab | CBS | 15 | 22 | 24.2 |
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| 05/23/2005 | 02-024 | Does This Smell Funny to You? | CBS | 9.2 | 14 | 14.4 |
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| 09/19/2005 | 03-001 | Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15 |
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| 09/26/2005 | 03-002 | Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.4 |
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